Struggles with socialising/dating

W348

I have severe anxiety and panic attacks especially around talking and socialising. I just wondered if anyone else might have similar difficulties and if they found anything that helped to move forward.

It kind of feels like the prospect of dating has never been a possibility.

If the phone rings I panic. If I need to make a phone call I often put this off or I pace around for hours trying to hype myself up to do this. I've only been able to manage shopping due to self service tills.

I have managed some basic talking where I can see the words in my head and have to repeat them in my head and hope they come out in order. This helps with basic things like asking to buy a lottery ticket in a shop, but sometimes even that fails - like dropping a jigsaw and it all comes out muddled up. MyGP recommends I repeat such tasks as much as is comfortable, referred to as Silvercloud challenges.

If I met a woman and felt she was remotely interested in me, I don't know why she would be. But I can't talk without making a fool of myself and so would avoid her to try and make things less awkward.

I would like to move out into my own place and try and live independently. I want to try, but I do worry about this. I don't like people knocking the door or having unexpected visitors.

I've also really wanted to have my own car for a long time and learn to drive, thought this might also help boost my self-esteem somewhat, just being able to drive and have some freedom without bumping into others. The barrier for driving is also a social aspect, I don't know that I could cope sitting in a car and communicate with an instructor.

Everything just feels exceptionally difficult. I've recently been awarded PIP and also have body image concerns which means I have the ability to address my concerns privately now, which feels like a welcome fork in a long road.

I've been waiting years for NHS surgeries and pushed from pillar to post. I have several reports where they discuss surgery and it reads as though it's recommended, but every follow up I see someone completely different, and it feels like torture trying to get my words together all over again.

Apologies for the rant. I've often discussed these concerns with Samaritans over email the last few years, this helps when feeling especially low - but there's no clear path forward.

jameswhale

Rachel_Scope

Hi @W348. I'm sorry you struggle so much with your anxiety, I can completely empathise as I've been through the same. It's definitely a good idea to keep exposing yourself to uncomfortable situations so that you feel better equipped to deal with them.

You seem to have low self-esteem. You should try and be more positive about yourself. What are your good qualities? Kind? Loving? Good listener? Have a really good think and write them down. I still write things down like that and it helps to remind myself that I'm not all bad.

Driving would give you great freedom. I would recommend contacting a driving instructor and explaining your anxiety. There will be someone who is understanding and supportive of your needs.

Take your time and set yourself smaller, achievable goals that will get you to the big goal at the end. It can be a difficult journey but it will be worth it.

W348

Thanks @Rachel_Scope, yes things have been a struggle for a long time and I am aware I have a harsh view of myself.

I've recently been awarded PIP for my difficulties, I missed out on the enhanced mobility rate by 2 points, so do not have the option to a motability vehicle.

However, my mum does get enhanced but she is unable to drive. I am not sure if there might be an option their for me to able to drive for her and have access to a motability car this way. This all feels like a pipe dream just now, but if I can figure out how to cope with an instructor, then this would be a massive goal for me. I mostly travel by bus with my mum, so being able to take her around in a car would be something special to strive for.

Rachel_Scope

Hi @W348. You'd be able to drive a motability car for your mum 😊 Here's some info https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/help-for-disabled-travellers1/motability-scheme/getting-a-motability-car/#:~:text=If%20you%20don't%20drive,to%20drive%20on%20your%20behalf. .

What would you have as your first, small, achievable goal? Finding the phone number for an instructor? Start with writing one positive thing about yourself?

You've got this 😊

W348

Thanks for the link and clarifying that I can use a motability car.

I have had some short-term goals for a while but they mostly involve phone calls, I really prefer email. I want to get a copy of a report about my last hospital visit. This was not available at GP. I think I need to call for that though. I may have someone call for me eventually, but I feel particularly rubbish not being able to do this for myself.

I mostly have a letter typed up now that I need to give a once over before printing it - this is about a PIP award length reconsideration. That kind of feels like I am doing something for myself. I think I might feel a bit better about this. I'm a little worried this might make them look at the whole claim again, I only want them to reconsider the award length.

I think I have a good quality where I think about other people. I want to be in a better position to help family, but find this a bit of a struggle as I feel for my age I should be capable of speaking up for their rights. The last time I tried this it blew up in my face and made everything so much worse.

Recent example, a few months ago I tried to do a Pension Credit Guarantee form for my mum but it all went horribly wrong. Shortly after housing benefit wanted to go through her bank accounts, could be coincidence but I think this was because of me doing that form. I checked the copy of the application form and I did everything right. Their decision letter combined the total amounts of two different dates. I don't know why they added the two amounts together, as they were the same balance.

So from memory the Pension Credit Guarantee form wanted to know what the savings were from a specific date, and then they wanted the savings from a different date. In their decision letter they clearly combined the amounts from both dates. When in reality this was just a balance difference - the same balance on different dates. So it might have been slightly different +£400 or so in difference, but they were clearly combining the total balance together twice over in their decision letter and putting her savings abulsurdly high.

Shortly after this decision letter we got a letter from housing benefit where they were frankly demanding bank statements. That all went fine, but I think this was triggered by me trying to help and do that pension credit guarantee form. And then them messing this up. It was particularly stressful as my Mum doesn't do online banking so had to travel further out to a bank to get the statements.

It's something I've only thought about again recently as realised my mum is not going to get the winter fuel help this year now. I do have PIP myself now though which I didn't have before, so should be more than fine.

Just frustrated as I feel confident in writing, form filling and overall explaining myself in written form - but frustrating when even that blows up in my face due to someone elses error.

Jimm_Scope

It really is frustrating I agree, when you've done everything right but someone or something else makes a mistake and it feels like it was all for nothing.

About the hospital thing, you may want to ask if your local trust has an online portal that patients can access. My trust has such a thing, it has all my appointments, reports, results and I can even send messages to my IBD team through it. I'd hope each trust would have something similar, but I know that would probably be a bit too hopeful perhaps.