Complex PTSD and no help available

thespiceman

Hello @HollyGCat     Pleased to meet you.
Sorry to hear what has happened. Please my care and concern is for you.

I have mental health issues and have been there in the past with feelings, thoughts.  What you are experiencing.

I also get triggers' they may resurface anytime.

Please if I can suggest and please if I can help with any support. I am here one of the community champions.

I do think please if I can add if the Crisis teams or Mental health teams are not being supportive being there I know this myself.

I need to find what is right for me.
I am the one who is ill and needs a lot of support, some answers some solutions.
I had addiction history with anxiety and depression, sorted my self out contacting rehab and am clean but used charities.

Given an opportunity to help myself used these three.
https://www.richmondfellowship.org.uk.
https://www.mind.org.uk.
https://www.rethink.org.

Last one is an advocate charity. All of them are good to use the first one has a lot of floating support, outreach workers, advice on wellbeing, health and benefits.

If the mental health services you have not working not good then your entitled to look any way  consider options, choices.

I used council services same time applied one  those charities  worked in conjunction the mental health charity only given eight weeks by councils services. Charity three years.
Just a point.

Other ones are they might suggest supported living or housing, support you with appointments, assessments so on anything you have a problem with.
I was clean when I arrived to Richmond fellowship but still offered me a lot of guidance, support if I needed it.

My heart goes out to you because your clearly suffering and do need some one to help you to recovery,can happen and wish to say. Understand the trauma a lot and other things.  Your not alone.

Please if I can be helpful need some one to listen, understand am here. on this forum daily.

One other point need to add some of the charities are not in all areas sorry to tell you this.

To give your reassurance, confidence I hope everything works out and you do contact any of the links and please contact me if I can help with anything.
Understand you take care. Your a valued member of our community.

Please keep safe and warm.
Always in prayers and thoughts.
@thespiceman .

HollyGCat

No tear button. I can’t rely @thespiceman. Tonight. But I heard your words and they mattered. I feel so alone. I’m in such a mess. I just don’t know what to do. Same as last night.  Im dying. I can tell. I am doing everything I can to speed it up. I’m so isolated and I can’t cope. This is why I have stopped posting. Because I just am misery. Sorry 

HollyGCat

@SurvivingTara. Please help. I trust your messages 

thespiceman

Hello @HollyGCat   Sorry to hear your in pain, know this my self. Please if I can offer my friendship but not only that please can offer a lifeline.

I know right now thinking negative those thoughts those feelings, emotions.

I have been there so many times, yet I have and am here.

Please if I can add your not alone with any thing, I am ready to be a friend, listen to you anytime.

Please can I suggest sit down and take some deep breathes look at what I suggested offered in some organisations and support. There always have one thing in mind, helping you to a lot of positivity and confidence, self esteem.

Lots of respect, love and kindness. Give the tools and cope with what you have all the time, use these all the times I was ill.

I know you mentioned dying I am sorry to hear this.  Life is so precious and important I want to say that there are days. I think of all of us get depressed and anxious about the future the if I can carry on the heart break and the pain. Trust me you not alone with any of this the thoughts, feelings.

Please if I can share my story, I am an alcoholic of thirty years.  Been clean twelve. Had a period wanting to die and commit the final act, helped by those charities. Gave me my life back a lot of support and confidence ,eased my mind. With lots of advice, guidance on my mental health.

I found my faith again that helps my Christianity my bible my positivity the words resonate with me.

Whether you believe or not this organisation do a lot to help those with being lost and lonely. Heal and inspire gives you a lot of comfort and lots of discussion, debate about following a path to continue with having a life again.

https://www.salvationarmy.org.uk.

Helpline 020 7367 4500

They add if I can offer a lot help those with mental health issues.

Please if you feel can not cope please contact me. Happy to help and offer what I can, I am here all the time.

No one wishes to hear you hurt and harm yourself.  I do understand what your going through , please can I  stress your an important valued member of our community.

Please I have to give you the important information for your safety.

I used this one as well.

The Samaritans
Call 116 123 calls free
If you feel you need to talk to them seek professional help they will and do listen to you.

If you feel your in immediate danger of self harm you must call 999 or go the hospital.

Please if I can just ask you one important question what would like to change and make some thing of your life and cope with what your going through.

I got asked this by my support worker after a lifetime of causing myself being ill with addiction.

I replied have some ideas and plans to think of and use to be positive this how they help you. Now on here a community champion supporting members.

Life is happening now this is the best time.

Please take some time to think and consider anything I have added or said.  Wish you all the best.

Happy to be listening, pleasure to meet you.

Please take care.
@thespiceman

Adrian_Scope

Hi @HollyGCat, I'm sorry you're still finding things so difficult, but I'm glad to see you posting on the community again.
I know we're already corresponding via email at the moment, but I wanted to let you know that I've read your message here too and you're always more than welcome to post, regardless of how you're feeling. You're important to us and the people here, and if posting in this thread helps you, you're more than welcome to do so.

SurvivingTara

Hello Holly G Cat. So sorry you are feeling as you do.

I hear your emotional pain, and acknowledge how it makes you feel.

I understand your frustrations with all this...and you feel isolated and alone. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, we are all here for you, and for one another.....

As the Spiceman and I and others have found, we have  had to source therapy and  a network of support from outside of the medical model or NHS. I am still doing so..

There needs to be a dealing firstly with  developmental trauma. This colours our life to start with and causes many addictive patterns of behaviour.The behaviour is our attempt to cope and get rid of the symptoms..

https://humanwindow.com/dr-gabor-mate-interview-childhood-trauma-anxiety-culture/

Also, you are good enough and courageous, know it is heard . However at the moment  believing this may be hard, and  you do have a right to exist. We need you on the forum.

To destroy yourself because of others, their agendas,  behaviours and lack of skills in empathy, and understanding, gives them power. Take back the power, have self power, it is there for you.

After dealing with the early programmed in lies, by other people, about Holly GCat, (which have a powerful play in our lives ), the trauma experienced in adulthood and work environments needs to be acknowledged – heard. People do not have the right to traumatize others, but the bullies, unaware folk do, because of their own baggage...

All this what is being experienced is pent up trauma,  energy trapped in the body. It makes us feel awful and messed up. It is knocking on the door to be heard, and accepted..

Until these traumas are acknowledged,  and we work through them in a safe space with an empathic, unconditional witnessing other, the body will keep asking for things to be heard, and making us feel as we do, messed up. We shake with anger at the injustice.

That is what is happening. A, you believe you are not good enough, a lie. You are a good enough lovely Holly G Cat..You have a precious human life... B. Your developmental trauma and the way you were treated has not been acknowledged and heard fully. C. The adult trauma and work place trauma has been swept under the carpet. D. The body does not like this negative pent up energy it take a lot to suppress this, and it will cause us to act in certain ways, in order to be heard. It is OK to feel angry at being treated unfairly.

Your focus and energy needs to be in sourcing a therapy for you.  You deserve it...

Use the internet to see what is around you.  Like trauma counselling, person centred counselling, use EFT when you are anxious etc. https://eft.mercola.com/.......

Or you could phone the Samaritans, they sometimes have lists and will listen to you. Call 116 123 calls free.

https://www.samaritans.org/

Even CAB may have lists of therapists.

We are here for you Holly G Cat

 

HollyGCat

Thank you. I think things are going to go wrong. I am grateful to you all. I’m not capable of a response worthy of those I have read. I’m sorry. My head hurts but I wanted to say sorry and thank you 

SurvivingTara

No need to say sorry for experiencing trauma, and to us, that needs to end, apologising for you. Your response is valued, it is what it is, and acceptable any way, just pleased you respond.. Yes, trauma makes us  hurt it taxes the mind.... We all value you and are so pleased you are here with us. You are doing well surviving the trauma.  Wishing you a peaceful night and courage for the days.... 

HollyGCat

My dad knew I existed they all lied to me. It’s all disgusting. She bare faced told me 31 years ago he didn’t. She knew what happened to me. She knew about the abuse. She and all of them lied. 5 AM. He’s probably dead. I didn’t look because I thought he didn’t know. I’m so confused. Why didn’t she abort me and save me the hate she has poured on me. I am no more than trash. I’m so tired. I can’t live with it. I can’t process it. Two days ago out the blue. He knew. They all knew. I was born to be abused

SurvivingTara

Holly G Cat, hear what you say and understand, ? Abuse in a family is  unfortunately common place, and it seriously affects a child, many do this terrible thing.....
My father, a church dignitary, abused me and children in the Sunday School. He got away with it all ....
 I, at age 70 + am still processing - working on this. It has been tough, 3 breakdowns, much fear and anxiety, the symptoms of abuse, CPTSD.  So HollyG Cat, the effects of abuse by a parent and collusion by a mother, who said ' daddy would not do that,  he is a Christian,' has repercussions. You, nor I or anyone abused, and with developmental trauma were not born to be abused. Yes they lie big time it is par for the course, they are clever controllers and manipulators, who discredit ( try to destroy) the children and what they say to cover their tracks. We must never let them win, we need to speak out now with an empathic other to process the emotional pain of family abuse, neglect and collusion.... You have started, told us, we hear and understand and empathize for some have been there, in similar situations. It is not a easy ride, Holly, but it is possible to get this anger and trauma energy going out.
You were not meant to be aborted, spiritually( and this is not religion), you have a purpose, for example you have shown and shared with us all, the things that happens to abused (with colluding others) children and in adult life the destruction of lives, generationally. There are others in similar situations who can relate to this, in their hour of need isolation and despair.
You now need a therapist, a witnessing other by your side to help you process this major thing. Baby steps, slowly take, without being hard on yourself, it was not your fault, it was the responsibility of parents, who were irresponsible.. Others were responible for what they did to a child. These abusers and our journey must be exposed as we journey towards recovery. The healthy anger and trauma needs an outlet. 
No it is not easy for the now family. But the way they react to your journey and experience is not your responsibility. You are dealing with and coping with trauma and CPTSD and it's symptoms. Which is challenging. ?

HollyGCat

isold said:

I work and enjoy it but some days I’m not in a position to leave the house. all you get from the nhs is pitying looks and offers of various chemical coshs.

Hello, thanks for your kind words elsewhere. It’s a struggle to read through all and  I just read again your comments. 

I recognised a lot. The above especially. I used to love my career but became to unwell to continue. I detest not working. I’m glad you have been able to keep going. I know it’s probably as with most of us a necessity. 

I wondered and sorry if it’s obvious what CAT therapy is?

I have just had my medication upped. Temporarily I hope. I literally rattle. 

I have had to change my profile picture because I think it may lose the
’privacy’ this forum allows. Just in case you didn’t recognise the name.   Anyway. Working my way through to thank everyone. Might take me a while. I am unfortunately fairly drugged up at the moment so will take my time.

Im so sorry for the experiences  you have had. Yes I completely agree this disability is not recognised properly. I’m told I’m lucky for the psychologist I see, because it’s not what they offer but they have made an exception.

Having poorly attempted to end my life many times. Not sure why the NHS don’t see this as their problem to. Guess it’s because as I’ve read, if they admit it, it’s an epidemic, so easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. We are being let down.

Best wishes to you 

thespiceman

Hello @HollyGCat   Sorry to hear what you are going through, this is not your fault none of it.

Many gents like me suffer from abuse and violence and lots more from female family members or in relationships.

I had those days a lot to cope with, no one expects your Mother to hurt harm you physically, mentally.

You fall in to relationships with women who are the same.

The most important thing for me was talking about helping me to get some help.

I know pain is an individual thing but using the links I provided just made me realise I can live again, move on..
Understand am had addiction clean  that had suicidal thoughts but safely thought need to start  be strong after recovery.

Find my own path be a person I am, I still get triggers but know how react  to them and using methods charities taught me.

Lots of staff in charities are well know ledged to mental, physical abuse have a lot of  approach.  Being full of compassion, empathy and sensitivity.

One of the first struggle I had was dealing with female support worker who reminded me of my Mother. Never easy.

Sat on one end of a sofas her the other silence for ten minutes or more.
I am one of these guys never talks but did with them, please consider any of that.

Trauma it can swirl around your mind for ever I know that and know use the knowledge I learnt to help others.

Please if you can consider the links evaluate the information and advice form these mental health charities.

I know a painful step, always.

Something to think about.

I am here if you wish to ask me anything. Happy to listen happy to be supportive.

Please take care of your self every one here has care and concern. For you.

@thespiceman

HollyGCat

@thespiceman thanks for your responses. I saw all the advice you gave. I feel rude and a nuisance. Sorry. I was starting to go through and thank everyone. I thought that the Salvation Army was a great call. I have to be honest. I’m struggling to even see at the moment so drugged up. So I have been skim
read and going back to the posts to try and take them in. It’s hard. I’m not really that with it. I so appreciate all the offers and you were so kind. I am trying. 

I spoke to psychiatrist today and she doubled my diazepam to 40 mg. on top of the others. I’m struggling to type. 

I will read slowly each and every post. I’m sorry I’ve been slow to thank you and comment and respond. I really will. Lots to read. scope and forum helping so much. Not the best of days as husband walked out. He came back but I wasn’t sure he would. He’s struggling coping with me and I’m struggling in all ways to get through each hour. I am sure I’ve not said the right things and missed so many things I should have said and when I can concentrate I will comment properly. But for now, thank you

thespiceman

Hello @HollyGCat       You not being  nuisance or anything else or please do not say sorry for what ?  You have done nothing just a gentleman being as he is. Polite, kind and supportive I hope.  To a Lady having some problems..

I have walked a mile in your shoes, please take it slowly.

Take your time, do one thing at a time. My floating support bought me a diary used one all the time.

Put tasks, jobs ideas anything reminders words of poems.  Thoughts, feelings.

Anytime please if you wish talk to me.  Tag my username your not alone, any time  listen .

Please have a rested sleep and take care. Your in my  prayers.

Your friend

@thespiceman

 

HollyGCat

@thespiceman Please if I can just ask you one important question what would like to change and make some thing of your life and cope with what your going through.

I got asked this by my support worker after a lifetime of causing myself being ill with addiction.

one thing is hard. So my list is:

To know what happiness is
Not to hurt others
To feel some control
To stay as an adult 
To not remember. but also. To remember it all (this makes no sense I realise) 
To not self harm as a default 
To have a purpose and contribute to society 
To forgive myself
To not be drugged up
To see a future
To not lose time only to be told what horrific thing I’ve done
To keep others safe from me
To not be lonely 

To give my family their lives back
To not to have proved THEM right 
To sleep 
To get an apology for the damage and discrimination I faced by my employer 
To not be in prisoner by fear
To see people
To not hate myself 
To not blame myself 
to be able to name one of my fathers
To be able to walk away from those who still hurt me
To not act reckless 
To not wake up so the pain ends.
To not see how badly I have affected others.
To not burden others.
To be free.
To find that person I was who was worthwhile. 

To not have to fight MH services to help me stay alive 
To live a life that is a life.
To not be afraid.
To not have the dead watching me and standing around me and angry voices and children controlling me and arguing with me. Guess I’m insane.

I could never think of one thing. This is only a few. There are too many to list.

currently. I just want these pills to knock me out so I can not be awake. I fight sleep. The nightmares are too much. I wake up and I can’t tell if they are real. I wake and throw up from them too sometimes. 
  

 

thespiceman

Hello @HollyGCat   Good morning to you. Thank you for compiling the list good to know.

Please can I thank you for being honest and open with me, I know never easy to explain how you are.

I do think the changes I had to do was first being sincere with my addiction, finding a way to stop. Needed to.

Any addiction whatever your issues is toxic causing ripples like a stone hitting the water.

Effects every one who is either family or friends, plus your own self. Emotions, feelings the ideal that any addiction is a feel good thing is wrong but this image prevails through the media.

Have a drink have this drug, need to say nothing is ever perfect.

You need to recognise that issuing addiction to support yourself through pain, emotions and feelings can be harmful. .

I know you are a smart intelligent person you are aware of this. Every body who has an addiction is and it how this is causing you a lot of problems.

If you were in denial like I was for a long time you suddenly realise how much you have lost. None of this every your or my fault it the addiction causing all of that.

I do also think happiness is an individual thing, find ways to make yourself happy. Something simple a good meal a walk in the park a piece of music, any thing you like to aim for a goal. Simple ones.

Like today do the front room a tidy up and clean slowly is my way of coping.

What changed for me was saying the truth getting help. Which may I add can help there if you have a support worker then that is good, I can advise seeking rehab if that helps you.

The only way is rehab to come off had 18 months of therapy, counselling a major hurdle every day.

Thirteen years clean next year.

I added the charities mental health ones because they have a lot advice, guidance and lots of support.

I forget to add another thing changed for me was this.

Woke up I fell over banged my head on a coffee table blood every where.

Suddenly lying there got this warm feelings this sense of comfort, well this is it. Going to die. Had some attempts before now. Failed this daft dying from a cut on my head. After all the attempts.

GOD has a weird way of looking a life ending.  I believed had the thoughts of religion had interest used bible to help me but never had the inclinations that would be helping me in this dying moment.

As I lay there these thoughts the sudden feelings of warmth  me think need to do something.

Whether you believe , discussed this with Phycologists and Physiotherapists simply a Eureka moment.

Was GOD talking to me making me wake up something was happening.

Spoke to Salvation Army worth a considerable amount of time listening and informative . Reason gave you the link, have  addiction and rehab plus use the opportunity to heal thy self. Not bible bashing just sensible, practical advice.

I had friends used them got homes and much support through them with supporting living, worth something. Know there safe.

This will happen to you trust it will one day want to be changed something in your conscious will decide need to stop hurting myself.

By the end of the evening in hospital getting treated.  Doctor examined me and discussed my mental health and addiction, I actually called the neighbours.

From the hospital, I refused to go in to rehab.  They signed me in.

One problem did not know they were alcoholics themselves . Dumped as soon as I entered rehab that few months.

The bullying, harassment started as well as intimidation.

Moved away here now and happy to be helping you my friend any one on this forum.

You mentioned your list this mine now.

Be positive every day, have bad days good days but talk about it. Use this forum for support my friends.

Make a day count do something to heal yourself. Whether radio music or CD's . Have coping box. It is a place full of treats, comforts, reassurances.

Music, Bible, poems, favourite ones. We need comforts if we get depressed.

Use the knowledge learnt for my self. Web resources, coping methods, strategies.

Education an important one . We make mistakes errors do not be hard on yourself.

Not your fault, do not blame you. Or others just happens.

I am used to say related to Victor Meldrew or Frank Spencer every thing went wrong and burnt food incidents, cuts bruises so on..

Karma, meditation helps, relaxation helps.

Past histories, memories triggers do emerge try to write them down the feeling, emotions then shred file thirteen it.

Out of system . Or use this forum lots of lovely members listening, I do.

Try got to get angry never easy but use that to instil positivity and make some out of it. My anger use housework, jobs around the home. A good sweep.

Do exercise a warm up every day, good breakfast food all the time.

Can help with that. Ask me.

Use your Doctors, medical professionals, support worker if you have any.. I do not but if not helping please not easy to say so.

All floating support informed them of everything, kept in touch.   Write down not happy within need for that please if not helping find those links use other organisations.

I had incidents so many not helping me certain council services limited time and few contacts, had ne. Literally spoke to her by phone one month a time, so got rid. Found another charity three years contract. 

Daily texts, emails brilliant lots of support, got a lot of time and kindness.

Be good to yourself have a relaxed day, music, warm bath muscle soak. Time is not important.

Pamper days.  Who cares in Jim jams till lunch time, I am still in my mine. Does it matter your in a situation do whatever You want. Your responsible. 

Does it matter do we need to get upset or emotional over the time or be angry with yourself.

Slowly do small steps.  Any goals or aims and make it count. Enjoyment and satisfaction.  Your in control. do not like shopping going out. Do it on line. Lot more comfortable.

Reach out to achieving one important thing daily. Anything to make you comfortable and full of reassurance, confidence.

Could be watching a feel good film, nothing depressing no news or soaps or other TV

That sets off bad feeling, emotions depressing TV.

No one can hurt you any more any one in your circle using, and taking advantage cut them out.

You want radiators not drains, cut all my friends out the ones used me for a door mats. Had a lot of weight off my shoulders. Is relationships working is it worth it.

Understand your in control. We crave sociability, love, and adoration but if it  hating you feel stung but my friend by words then eject them.

No need I do this a lot.

Home and environment remove trash, rubbish have a clear out. Boxes I have got rid of tat.

Have a new image, haircut, new clothes be some one you want to be proud of hold your head up high.

Friends real ones will be like you.  Respect, honour, cherish, supportive. Look for those who are like you.

Have qualities, abilities and compassion, empathy. My mobile cut off loads who would ring me for a chat if I rang them cut me off so I have.

Use call screening good tool to have.

Think about giving back. Volunteering good one meet those like you.

Community Volunteer units councils. Have a look.

When your ready. Or speak to SCOPE use another community champion.

I am sure you have a lot to give.

Another one use your skills, talents, abilities to be refreshed look at self improvement courses, lots on line and on websites.

Meet new people.

One other use your own history to heal, inspire and give others self esteem.

I hope that does help give you something to think about.

Happy be supportive, also be here anytime . You want just take care of yourself. Your my friend.

@thespiceman

Adrian_Scope

Hi @HollyGCat. Isolating the things you feel might improve your situation (especially to narrow it down to just one) can be incredibly tough. I'm sorry things were so difficult with your husband last night. Did you manage to get any sleep? 

I'm so sorry to read what you've been through @SurvivingTara and that you received no support from your mother. You mentioned that he got away with it. Was the abuse ever investigated? Please let us know if we can support you at all. As a disability equality charity, our strengths don't really lie in this area, but if you feel you need support that extends beyond signposting to NAPAC, we can always advocate for that by way of a social care referral.

I'm really glad that you've all been such fantastic support to each other, but please always know that if there's anything we (the community team) can do to support you, that you're welcome to get in touch. You can do this on the community, or if you prefer by emailing us at community@scope.org.uk.

HollyGCat

@SurvivingTara you said - There are others in similar situations who can relate to this, in their hour of need isolation and despair. 

Tara this is what I recognised and why I so needed your responses. I love your phrase ‘You are good enough’ - helps me because I recall it even at bad moments. Its very powerful. 

I know you think I should stop apologising. I am unable to stop that as I carry such guilt and shame. I believe my mother died because of my teenage behaviour. It’s a belief I have held decades. No one can convince me otherwise.

You have been through so much and you have so much knowledge. I admit I struggle to take it all in. So I dip in and out. I’m so sorry for what happened to you. In the church too. I can understand why religion is a no no for many. 

We don’t discuss it here, I had a different experience of it. My grandmother was an avid churchgoer. That was my safe times. My grandmother was so important to me. I adored her. But you had awful experiences. I wish it had not been that way for you. My heart goes out to you.

Thanks for all your brave and caring words ❤️

SurvivingTara

Thank you Adrian @ Scope, the community team @ Scope and Holly G Cat for replies to my latest post. Re Complex PTSD and its effects.

There are a few questions the community team and Holly mention. I will respond.

`No support from a mother`.

`Was the abuse investigated ?`

` He got away with it`

`The isolation, despair, abandonment, trauma`

`The apologizing, the carrying guilt and shame`

The abuse took place in the 50s` and 60s` in a northern town UK. Then, more so than now, it was, in society never talked about. The culture was more or less accepted then, women and children were the property of males and could be abused. It was private and kept within a family, with much collusion and knowing it went on.

Yes, (Scope) when I was older  and thought father could or would not get me, and people would take the revelation of him and others seriously,  it was, naively, taken to the police, (who we believed at the time were there to care for communities, support and root out crime.. A common belief-some police officers are genuine in their work and are suppressed and dismissed by other who have a different agenda), with support from Rape Crisis.

The crime and ring was covered up and investigation dropped with the excuse father was too old at age 60 to be prosecuted and we discovered father was a Freemason, his solicitor was a Freemason, and the investigating officer was masonic. (incidental to this post, he also got away with many drink driving offences, which are documented in a local newspaper, because he was masonic and his solicitor was, along with the magistrate. It was as it was).

The masonic rule is, `brother will help brother, no matter what. They, (like minded hiding within a group or organization etc) did, they covered up a ring, father was in, which abused many children in the area and church, it was corrupt protected and organized.

Psychopaths without empathy can and do abuse and use children and their own. If one has empathy how can you abuse and kill a child?

Also, father used to say to me as a child "If you tell, I will kill you and bury your body on the moor, like Myra Hindley and Ian Brady did in Yorkshire".

What terrified child would tell in the 1960s, with those injunctions, when no one believed women and children were abused, and were made out to be liars?.

Although today people speak out,  and we would like to beleive things have changed, not much has. It is mostly surface stuff, made to look OK..With research we learn many abusers are still protected by various powerful factions in society.

Mother, was weak, naive and a colluding other for whatever reason (some partners or family members are, it just is, their agenda)  she was also frightened of father and sacrificed me. I was the scapegoat in the dynamic. I see it for what is was.

Holly G Cat, when I finally plucked up courage at the age of 38 to tell mother, she was angry with me, and said `are you saying I have lived with a paedophile all my life?`. I said "yes".

She was dead within a week. I did not kill her,  the truth she could not take, and so checked out.

The symptoms of abuse, (without support and a witnessing other or safe space to go to), can create trauma, shock and dysfunctionality, and mental health issues in a child, and adults and all relationships if not heard and processed slowly.

From the negative challenging environmental experiences many disabilities and dysfunctionality together with learning - coping disabilites can arise within a person, there is developmental trauma compounded with other life traumas. For example, learning disabilities (which I have struggled with). Social skills, self soothing and functioning (which I have had to learn and am still learning with the help of therapy). For when a child is in survival there is little room to learn anything else. Hypervigilance and coping at all times.

No, I have not been put off christianity or other religions, by my experience, I accept them for what they are, and there are some good caring indivduals within them, who know nothing of abuse, and who bring solace to some. It is the corrupt  abusive people who hide within them, and all organizations, that  is the issue. 

 

Where I am today, is and has been a struggle, a journey and a learning to cope. It is not easy, we do the best we can...

I believe I am good enough. I want to communicate, you are ALL good enough and doing the best you can at this time. Just treated unfairly, traumatized and been unsupported by some.

I do not have any regrets for telling the truth about father and the ring. I hope to be there for others, and those who relate to similar experiences. You are not alone. Trauma is trauma, and has similar  symptoms.

I feel or carry no shame or guilt, it was not my fault, parents chose to behave as they did with a child, me. That organizations had corruption within and chose to support an abuser. They have to live with that. But perhaps they don`t care for unempathic, unaware folks don`t.

I have communicated this because I no longer live within the shadows, the not telling the truth, and covering up abuse. It was as it was, and I have had to learn  to cope, over the years.

I was addicted to Valium and pain killers (codeine), from age 20 for years, until I  weaned myself  slowly off them. These drugs took the edge off the symptoms of trauma, which I did not realize were because of abuse, and needed exploring. But there was no one there to help with trauma and  effects of child abuse years ago...Also child abuse were dirty words many did not believe children were abused by family members and thought children were fibbing .

Yes, psychiatrist s, (who are medics taught to prescribe drugs and run symptoms through a computer) will keep on doubling the dose of diazipan, etc to suppress us, stop us from talking about what is happening in society. The services are not there to support empathically, others. The chemical cosh is all they have been taught  to know today.

We need in the end to take charge of our own life and self healing.

All types of addictions, (and we all have some form of addiction-a distraction away from feelings-symptoms) are ways of coping, the trying to get rid of the symptoms of CPTSD experiences. Addicts need empathic support to unpack traumatic experience, and learn new skills.

We all do what we can on life`s stage, we are all good beings trying to survive on this planet.

Hang in there everyone, take small steps today, be in the moment, wishing you all peace ..

HollyGCat

@SurvivingTara What a history! I am so sorry the Police let you down so spectacularly. I wish I could say I was surprised.I can’t.

I agree that in the sixties and still to varying but lesser degrees now. Reporting or telling was not an option. I actually tried. I recall a teacher was told, and ignored it. When I tried again, they before I had chance brought my abuser in the room. That was then 1983. My abusers are gone. In life anyway. 

Your courage and strength is inspiring. You wouldn’t mind throwing a little my way would you?

you must have been so afraid. The threats. Horrible. 

There is now in the police something called a victim’s right to review. I don’t know if that would make any difference to you? To be honest I’m not sure it’s that effective. I imagine that he is also dead. But on paper, they may now be prepared to at least reinvestigate and on paper acknowledge what happened to you. It’s not for everyone. But times have changed, even if not sufficiently. I can certainly private message you and give help on this. 

I was responsible for sexual offenders until my retirement and this is an area I know well.

But I do think it’s an entirely personal choice and may not bring you anything. I personally  could not report. So that says more that the sum of its parts.

I hope today is a better day for us all than any other day