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Loneliness and disability.

Gordonmrln Member Posts: 35 Courageous
Hi everyone,
                   So where to begin, this topic has quite a large umbrella and covers a vast amount of people today. Today we are hearing more and more in the media spotlight that loneliness is becoming an epidemic. And it affects many people from many walks of life, but, and this is only an assumption that the disabled suffer quite a lot with loneliness. By the very nature that disabled people are treated as the minority and as non-normal people. So we are already at a disadvantage and more likely to be single and alone, or we often get treated as if we are single and alone.
For me on a personal level this has recently become the case, after losing the love of my life my soul mate, wife and best friend of the past 25 years. It is now that I know what loneliness is, it is a commonly used phrase that you "Never know what you've got til it's gone" this is such a true fact. When you lose someone that you've shared a big part of your life together. We all take things for granted, and when we no longer have them we become lost and withdrawn.
I know I have slipped into a bout of depression, just by my daily living. The fact that I do very little now compared to what I did as a partnership, and I know if my wife was still alive I would be getting a right earful. However, I've lost that umph that drive I had when we did most things together. As we were both disabled we so complimented each other, and we had that connection that you very rarely find. We often knew what each other was thinking or about to say. And for all you ladies out there that have a partner that you think knows you. How many of you would allow your husbands or partners to pick your clothing, for design, colour, style. My wife insisted that I went shopping with her and picked out the clothes she wanted, that was how much we knew each other.

When my wife passed away in 2016 it was sudden even though she was very ill, she suffered with a heart condition and her only lifeline was a transplant. Which she was refused due to being overweight, which was down to her condition. The transplant team, which I hold responsible for her death, dangled the proverbial carrot in front of her saying if you get down to 93 Kgs we'll look at putting you on the transplant list. She tried oh, so hard she put everything into getting her weight down. She went from a 144 kgs down to 107 kgs before things started to worsen. She started to suffer with water retention and her weight started to rise again. They then turned around and said that she could not have a transplant and that her only option left now was Palliative care to the end.
She had an ICD implant in her chest which is basically a defibrillator to shock her back to life if her heart stops, after her last stay in hospital. The heart consultant coerced my wife into having the Shock part of her defib turned off, now she was in a very emotional state of mind and really just wanted to get home so she agreed to turning the devices shock part off, even though she knew I didn't agree with it. I tried to console her and explain that if she turns it off she has no safeguard. But she was led to believe that the worse she gets then she is more likely to suffer multiple shockings, although she had never had a shock episode, she was scared and had it turned of on the Friday at around 5.00pm by Saturday 9.30 am she was laying dead on the kitchen floor.

Since this has happened my world has been devastated my life has been crushed, and the one thing that she was so looking forward to was our silver wedding anniversary. We had already got each other a solid silver celtic wedding band, and I was going to wear traditional scottish dress. This is what we were both looking forward to, but it was not to happen my wife died in April and we would have celebrated in October.

So what is my future, at this moment it will for me remain a lonely, solitude lifestyle, that I'm having to come to terms with. Now I do have a little distraction in the size and shape of a wee Jack Russell called Tilly, who we had as a couple. But my wife insisted in saying she was my dog, at the moment tilly is the one thing that keeps me going forward. All dog owners will know and those who have a jack will agree that they have such a personality it's unreal, She is comical, very affectionate, excitable, and is as playful as a puppy. So she keeps my spirits on the go at this moment. My wife was only 45 years of age when she died, and I've just clocked up Hinze variety 57 years young, I would like to think I could get some kind of relationship going in the future but I'm a long way off, of looking at this moment, my hurt is still too raw, plus I'm still having the events around my wife's death investigated on the grounds of medical negligence.
In the meantime I shall fight for the truth of what happened and why, before I can turn the page.
I would love to hear your thoughts and views, and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation.

Thank You.. Ps Please excuse my spelling as I suffer with dyslexia and spelling lets me down.


  • Liam_Alumni
    Liam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 1,105 Pioneering
    Hi @Gordonmrln,

    Thank you for sharing this with us. I'm so very sorry for your loss and I'm sorry to hear how lonely you feel.

    Have you heard of Meetup? They do great meet ups where you can meet new people, if this is of interest to you?

    I hope this helps. If you have any questions, please do get in touch.
  • CockneyRebel
    CockneyRebel Member Posts: 5,216 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello Gordon and welcome
    Thank you for joining our community.
    Nothing can make up for the loss of your soul mate but each day, little by little things will get easier to bear. It is great that you have Tilly to share your life with at the moment, I am sure she brings you some joy and companionship.
    As a community, we are here to listen when you want to talk, help when we can and offer support when needed.
    Try to find some focus in your life, maybe a new hobby or interest, at 57 years young you still have plenty to give. You have experiance and knowledge unique to you so try and put that to good use.
    When the time is right for you, new friendships can be made and maybe some of the lonelyness will leave you.
    Please, post here anytime, you will aways find an ear ready to listen.

    Be all you can be, make  every day count. Namaste
  • Gordonmrln
    Gordonmrln Member Posts: 35 Courageous
    Hello, and thank you both for dropping me a line I am pleased to hear your suggestions and will take them on board. When I make the decision to move that bit further forward. I forgot to mention I was also in  the process of taking an honours degree at the OU, when this all happened. I actually failed my final exam in the Arts & Humanities. Although I've been given the oppertunity to resit my exam it all boils down to focus. This is what I'm having trouble with at the moment I just can't focus. I know one day in the not too distant future that I shall make an improvement and take the exam again. It was one thing my wife was proud of the fact I was trying to improve my education even though I suffered with dyslexia. I got all the support I would ever need from the OU and I am thankfull for that, but again it is a mater of waiting, they say that "Time" is a grate healler, So I shall take small steps. In the hope I will start to climb the hill of change and move forward with my life. I thank the both of you for your support and consideration and hope that we will have more points and topics that we can converse with. 

    Thank You.
  • Topkitten
    Topkitten Member Posts: 1,285 Pioneering
    Sorry for your loss.

    The MEETUP groups are quite good but there seem to be very few other disabled people in my area using it so the benefit is so-so.

    I'm not a fan of the 'Great healer' line. Time doesn't heal it just puts distance and other experiences between you and the event so that it hurts less. I lost my father over 30 years ago and it still hurts when I think of him, I just don't think of him as often. I guess time is more like a plaster, covers it up and helps you move forward.

    Hope you find what you are looking for.

    "I'm on the wrong side of heaven and the righteous side of hell" - from Wrong side of heaven by Five Finger Death Punch.
  • Gordonmrln
    Gordonmrln Member Posts: 35 Courageous
    Hi TK,
             After looking at the words you've writen and not simply at what you've wrote, I can see what you have said is very true. I understand that yes the hurt will be constant and in dealing with this we do think of the person less often. Saying this, this does not in anyway mean we feel less for this person. I think it means we are trying to control the pain we feel, and by limiting our thoughts of our loved ones we reduce the pain we feel. This is the control I think you mean and I can understand this even though I'm still very early in my grief, I can say that I will still hurt 30,40,or even 50 years from now. How do I know this? because the person I lost was part of me, we shared so much that I know that she will remain with me till I leave this life I live, and then as requested my ashes will be placed with hers then we shall be together again. So I understand TK what you mean with you father you don't need to say anything more for me to know you loved him beyond words, and he is still in your heart. Yes the words about Time being a healer are misguiding, and you are right, time just = distance. It's down to the individuale whether they want to keep remembering with the hurt, or just let time take the memory away.   :(
    Thank You TK.
  • [Deleted User]
    [Deleted User] Posts: 740 Listener
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  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,676 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @Gordonmrln we have a sex and relationships Q&A at the moment, so if you'd like to head over and ask any questions to our advisor, then Im sure she would be happy to help!
    Senior online community officer


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