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Loneliness and disability.
So where to begin, this topic has quite a large umbrella and covers a vast amount of people today. Today we are hearing more and more in the media spotlight that loneliness is becoming an epidemic. And it affects many people from many walks of life, but, and this is only an assumption that the disabled suffer quite a lot with loneliness. By the very nature that disabled people are treated as the minority and as non-normal people. So we are already at a disadvantage and more likely to be single and alone, or we often get treated as if we are single and alone.
For me on a personal level this has recently become the case, after losing the love of my life my soul mate, wife and best friend of the past 25 years. It is now that I know what loneliness is, it is a commonly used phrase that you "Never know what you've got til it's gone" this is such a true fact. When you lose someone that you've shared a big part of your life together. We all take things for granted, and when we no longer have them we become lost and withdrawn.
I know I have slipped into a bout of depression, just by my daily living. The fact that I do very little now compared to what I did as a partnership, and I know if my wife was still alive I would be getting a right earful. However, I've lost that umph that drive I had when we did most things together. As we were both disabled we so complimented each other, and we had that connection that you very rarely find. We often knew what each other was thinking or about to say. And for all you ladies out there that have a partner that you think knows you. How many of you would allow your husbands or partners to pick your clothing, for design, colour, style. My wife insisted that I went shopping with her and picked out the clothes she wanted, that was how much we knew each other.
When my wife passed away in 2016 it was sudden even though she was very ill, she suffered with a heart condition and her only lifeline was a transplant. Which she was refused due to being overweight, which was down to her condition. The transplant team, which I hold responsible for her death, dangled the proverbial carrot in front of her saying if you get down to 93 Kgs we'll look at putting you on the transplant list. She tried oh, so hard she put everything into getting her weight down. She went from a 144 kgs down to 107 kgs before things started to worsen. She started to suffer with water retention and her weight started to rise again. They then turned around and said that she could not have a transplant and that her only option left now was Palliative care to the end.
She had an ICD implant in her chest which is basically a defibrillator to shock her back to life if her heart stops, after her last stay in hospital. The heart consultant coerced my wife into having the Shock part of her defib turned off, now she was in a very emotional state of mind and really just wanted to get home so she agreed to turning the devices shock part off, even though she knew I didn't agree with it. I tried to console her and explain that if she turns it off she has no safeguard. But she was led to believe that the worse she gets then she is more likely to suffer multiple shockings, although she had never had a shock episode, she was scared and had it turned of on the Friday at around 5.00pm by Saturday 9.30 am she was laying dead on the kitchen floor.
Since this has happened my world has been devastated my life has been crushed, and the one thing that she was so looking forward to was our silver wedding anniversary. We had already got each other a solid silver celtic wedding band, and I was going to wear traditional scottish dress. This is what we were both looking forward to, but it was not to happen my wife died in April and we would have celebrated in October.
So what is my future, at this moment it will for me remain a lonely, solitude lifestyle, that I'm having to come to terms with. Now I do have a little distraction in the size and shape of a wee Jack Russell called Tilly, who we had as a couple. But my wife insisted in saying she was my dog, at the moment tilly is the one thing that keeps me going forward. All dog owners will know and those who have a jack will agree that they have such a personality it's unreal, She is comical, very affectionate, excitable, and is as playful as a puppy. So she keeps my spirits on the go at this moment. My wife was only 45 years of age when she died, and I've just clocked up Hinze variety 57 years young, I would like to think I could get some kind of relationship going in the future but I'm a long way off, of looking at this moment, my hurt is still too raw, plus I'm still having the events around my wife's death investigated on the grounds of medical negligence.
In the meantime I shall fight for the truth of what happened and why, before I can turn the page.
I would love to hear your thoughts and views, and see if anyone else has been in a similar situation.
Thank You.. Ps Please excuse my spelling as I suffer with dyslexia and spelling lets me down.