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Wanting to hurt my self for being me...
Where do I start ? I'm 63 in December but dread it.. As it's coming to the end of the year... As each year I have noticed since I past 50 my health has gone down hill it's all not noticeable as its inside of me... Like last year in September I had part of my colon cut away .. And in stead of staying for 10 days in hospital I was in for 10 weeks at deaths door as I could not eat or drink as I would vomit bowel after bowel... When I did recover I went home , but I was so scared of every thing and everyone..I wanted to go back in to the hospital.. I was so terrified of every thing... Then a week after I fainted smashed my right foot into my left which woke me up.. I was in agony and alone ..I went to bed ,the next day I woke up and screamed in pain. So I rang my youngest daughter..they took me to hospital saw the doctor. He asked how did I do it ..I told him and he said he thought a car had ran over it as it was that bad ,, then this year I've been so depressed that I took an overdose of all my meds as I've got different types..at least 15//16 different meds not including my 2 inhalers ..I was so depressed and I lived in a block of flats on 7 th floor not seeing anyone and I just could not face the world.. I felt like I was going crazy , I'd just broke up with my X which did not help as he was ment to be my carer,but left every thing for me to cook clean..now I have moved to a bungalow with a walk in shower... But that does not help my mental staight I still have suicidel thoughts in my head..I was also told I could not have my op reverised so I have to live with my remaining days with a bag attached to me...and the worst part is I keep thinking I can smell myself... I hate it so much I have to change it 4/5 times....and I am so ashamed of anyone seeing me naked