Wanting to hurt my self for being me...

lonelygirl

Where do I start ? I'm 63 in December but dread it.. As it's coming to the end of the year... As each year I have noticed since I past 50 my health has gone down hill it's all not noticeable as its inside of me... Like last year in September I had part of my colon cut away .. And in stead of staying for 10 days in hospital I was in for 10 weeks at deaths door as I could not eat or drink as I would vomit bowel after bowel... When I did recover I went home , but I was so scared of every thing and everyone..I wanted to go back in to the hospital.. I was so terrified of every thing... Then a week after I fainted smashed my right foot into my left which woke me up.. I was in agony and alone ..I went to bed ,the next day I woke up and screamed in pain. So I rang my youngest daughter..they took me to hospital saw the doctor. He asked how did I do it ..I told him and he said he thought a car had ran over it as it was that bad ,, then this year I've been so depressed that I took an overdose of all my meds as I've got different types..at least 15//16  different meds not including my 2 inhalers ..I was so depressed and I lived in a block of flats on 7 th floor not seeing anyone and  I just could not face the world.. I felt like I was going crazy , I'd just broke up with my X which did not help as he was ment to be my carer,but left every thing for me to cook clean..now I have moved to a bungalow with a walk in shower... But that does not help my mental staight I still have suicidel thoughts in my head..I was also told I could not have my op reverised so I have to live with my remaining days with a bag attached to me...and the worst part is I keep thinking I can smell myself... I hate it so much I have to change it 4/5 times....and I am so ashamed of anyone seeing me naked

Margi

Hi........you are very hard on yourself........I am also quite isolated and have been in this country for 10 years, and still have no ''real friends'' I always try to remain positive............count your blessings rather have the ''half full and not half empty'' outlook. I realise it is hard, but negativity is sooooooo bad for your mood.  Good luck and try , it might work...................

Sam_Alumni

Hi @lonelygirl welcome to the community, you have been really brave in opening up and talking to us and I hope we can offer you some support.

I have a permanent ileostomy and so I do know where you are coming from, it is a huge change and does take some getting used to.  Can I ask why you had to have your bowel removed? I ask because there are specific support groups I can signpost you to for Crohns/colitis or Bowel cancer etc.  

Do you see a stoma nurse? Most areas are covered by a specialist nurse who can offer you lots of information and support about life with a stoma.  If you don't, a good place to start would be your ostomy supplier.  Do you have a colostomy or an ileostomy?  If it is a colostomy, get in touch with the lovely people at the Colostomy Association, if it is an ileostomy get in touch with the people at IASupport.

I understand about the sensitivity around smell, I still worry about it but then I know that I change my bag regularly and the worry is all in my head.  It has taken time for me to love my new body, but I do.  My bag saved my life and I am grateful that I am still here.  I write about my journey with an ostomy bag on my blog so bad ass, so do take a look if you'd like.

Have you spoken to anyone about your low mood and mental health? Please do reach out and speak to someone, your GP is a good place to start.  There is a lot of support, whether that is medication or talking therapies. 

You can also take a look at the MIND site that has so much support and you can also speak to the Samaritans on 116 123 24 hours a day.

Do keep talking and let us know if there is anything we can do to support you.

lacey477

Hello lonelygirl

Pippa_Alumni

Hi @lonelygirl, how are you doing?