Wanting to hurt my self for being me... — Scope | Disability forum
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Wanting to hurt my self for being me...

lonelygirl
lonelygirl Member Posts: 1 Listener
edited December 2017 in Mental health and wellbeing
Where do I start ? I'm 63 in December but dread it.. As it's coming to the end of the year... As each year I have noticed since I past 50 my health has gone down hill it's all not noticeable as its inside of me... Like last year in September I had part of my colon cut away .. And in stead of staying for 10 days in hospital I was in for 10 weeks at deaths door as I could not eat or drink as I would vomit bowel after bowel... When I did recover I went home , but I was so scared of every thing and everyone..I wanted to go back in to the hospital.. I was so terrified of every thing... Then a week after I fainted smashed my right foot into my left which woke me up.. I was in agony and alone ..I went to bed ,the next day I woke up and screamed in pain. So I rang my youngest daughter..they took me to hospital saw the doctor. He asked how did I do it ..I told him and he said he thought a car had ran over it as it was that bad ,, then this year I've been so depressed that I took an overdose of all my meds as I've got different types..at least 15//16  different meds not including my 2 inhalers ..I was so depressed and I lived in a block of flats on 7 th floor not seeing anyone and  I just could not face the world.. I felt like I was going crazy , I'd just broke up with my X which did not help as he was ment to be my carer,but left every thing for me to cook clean..now I have moved to a bungalow with a walk in shower... But that does not help my mental staight I still have suicidel thoughts in my head..I was also told I could not have my op reverised so I have to live with my remaining days with a bag attached to me...and the worst part is I keep thinking I can smell myself... I hate it so much I have to change it 4/5 times....and I am so ashamed of anyone seeing me naked

Comments

  • Margi
    Margi Member Posts: 6 Listener
    Hi........you are very hard on yourself........I am also quite isolated and have been in this country for 10 years, and still have no ''real friends'' I always try to remain positive............count your blessings rather have the ''half full and not half empty'' outlook. I realise it is hard, but negativity is sooooooo bad for your mood.  Good luck and try , it might work...................
  • Sam_Alumni
    Sam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,682 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @lonelygirl welcome to the community, you have been really brave in opening up and talking to us and I hope we can offer you some support.

    I have a permanent ileostomy and so I do know where you are coming from, it is a huge change and does take some getting used to.  Can I ask why you had to have your bowel removed? I ask because there are specific support groups I can signpost you to for Crohns/colitis or Bowel cancer etc.  

    Do you see a stoma nurse? Most areas are covered by a specialist nurse who can offer you lots of information and support about life with a stoma.  If you don't, a good place to start would be your ostomy supplier.  Do you have a colostomy or an ileostomy?  If it is a colostomy, get in touch with the lovely people at the Colostomy Association, if it is an ileostomy get in touch with the people at IASupport.

    I understand about the sensitivity around smell, I still worry about it but then I know that I change my bag regularly and the worry is all in my head.  It has taken time for me to love my new body, but I do.  My bag saved my life and I am grateful that I am still here.  I write about my journey with an ostomy bag on my blog so bad ass, so do take a look if you'd like.

    Have you spoken to anyone about your low mood and mental health? Please do reach out and speak to someone, your GP is a good place to start.  There is a lot of support, whether that is medication or talking therapies. 

    You can also take a look at the MIND site that has so much support and you can also speak to the Samaritans on 116 123 24 hours a day.

    Do keep talking and let us know if there is anything we can do to support you.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • lacey477
    lacey477 Member Posts: 2 Listener
    Hello lonelygirl
  • Pippa_Alumni
    Pippa_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 5,799 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @lonelygirl, how are you doing?

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