Employment and Support Allowance (ESA)
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Struggling to cope with benefits issues and my mum's death

28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
Hi in 2001 I got my small pension from my employees due to my ill health on top esa keep on checking how much I get to work out if I can still get this benefit I’m in a wheelchair and after being hurt my a family member as a child I suffer from very bad depression but my world stopped on 4/8/18 my mam died I just cannot cope with the loss I got a letter saying I have to go for a medical to see if I can go to work my dr got me in touch with someone to try to stop as they say I’m just not fit enough the lady  from esa said no at first and then said my gp can write a letter and fax it my medical in 17/10/18 the problem is my gp isn’t back until Tuesday so it’s too late my gp even wanted to do a sick note but didn’t get a answer the lady at the doctors said you are not fit at all I feel so bad she is going to change her appointments to be there with me 
I cannot cope with people beside me I’m afraid of everyone but more thing that hurts is how cold they were to me they just didn’t care about the death of my beautiful mam I cry all of the time
they don’t know my medical history my mental health team and drs do  
on top of this my beautiful mam didn’t have insurance so I have to pay the funeral off monthly £3500 just cannot cope 


Replies

  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @28hopel Pleased to meet you.

    Sorry what has happened. I do know the community understands what you are going through.  Offer words of comfort and try to help you much as I can. 

    I am one of the community champions on the forum offer reassurance, guidance and advise if I can the best and right information. You are not alone . Anytime ready to listen.

    We as a community can support you and help and advise you.

    Given the information you have stated I would suggest first trying to get some support for your bereavement . I know this is difficult and not easy to deal with.

    Have a look on line  for CRUSE they help with bereavement  .  Hope that helps.  Also speak to one of our team 808 800 3333

    Understand the issues and problems surrounding ESA.

    Citizens Advice have lots of information on their website on ESA.

    Also may I add I am asking if you feel the need to talk to some one  speak to  The Samaritans on 116 123.  free.

    Consider speaking to MIND or look at their website.  They have a lot of information.  To reassure you . Looking at your mental health.

    Please if we can advise please ask.  Some one from our community will be in touch.

    I know the issues and problems around ESA I would suggest if I can advise further have some one to support through this if you can.

    Please take care.

    Always in prayers and thoughts.

    @thespiceman


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
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  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,489 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @28hopel welcome to the community

    I am so sorry for what you're going through. My thoughts are with you.

    Its good that you have a very supportive GP. In regards to your ESA I am unsure how to advise, I'm sorry. There are lots of knowledgeable members in the community who will be able to help you and will be in contact with you soon.

    If there is anything else that we can do for you or if you ever need to talk then please do not hesitate to let us know! :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you i have totally lost it I just want my mam back she was so rude on the phone 
  • Ami2301Ami2301 Community Co-Production Group Posts: 7,489 Disability Gamechanger
    If you ever would like to talk about your mum to us, you're more than welcome to, if it helps you. We are here for you :)
    Disability Gamechanger - 2019
  • Sam_AlumniSam_Alumni Scope alumni Posts: 7,731 Disability Gamechanger
    Im so sorry for your loss @28hopel
    It might help for you to give the Scope helpline a call on 0808 800 3333 and then you can speak directly to one of our helpline staff who are so knowledgeable and offer amazing support.
    Grief is so hard to deal with and the loss of someone so special to you must be really tough, as @thespiceman said, you could take a look at the Cruse website - they are a bereavement care specialist and may be able to support you though your loss,
    You arent alone, we have a caring and friendly community here, so do chat with us and let us know how you are getting on.
    Scope
    Senior online community officer
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    Hi @28hopel , I am so sorry for your loss , Bereavement is one of the worse things any one can go through , people do not understand ,  unless they have loss someone themself , I for one can  understand you the world just stop for the person who has loss your world has  standstill where everyone is doing there own thing , if you go to your drs they should have phone nos for who you can phone .I'm always here if you need to talk
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    @28hopel try the no's sam-scope give you , the Samaritans you can phone up and talk 24/7 hope this helps you to talk to someone about your loss xxxx
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thanks I have to go for the medical on 17/10/18 I’m in a wheelchair so I had to loan money from a friend for a taxi £14 each way they is from my gp going with me but I just cannot cope I had an evil dad and brother as a child and I cannot cope anyone near me .
    my employer retired me on the ground of ill health I get a pension and I was put into a support group. I just want my mam I just don’t care anymore  
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    @28hopel yes it sure is a hard time for you at the moment @28hopel your life has been turn upside down ,and inside out, you are angry and upset and why  should you not be,i do understand , there is no rights or worng of lossing someone you love,  so is this a assessment for them to get you to go to work ? are your sick notes up to date ? some people just like being on there own at a time like this and some people dont ,so is there any one you can talk to who you know who can just listen to you at all , keep in there  xxxx
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    The esa said years ago I don’t need sick notes 
    i tried talking when I was rapped when I was little but she blamed me she said I have no right to take there powder away so I’m afraid of everything and every body.
    Thank you 
  • poppy123456poppy123456 Member Posts: 22,218 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi,

    I'm sorry to hear this!

    They can reassess you at anytime for ESA and most people have face to face assessments, it's rare to have a paper based decision. If you're already in one of the groups then no you don't need a sick note but you'll need evidence to support your claim to prove that you're still not fit for work.

    During the assessment they will ask you questions based on your ability to do any type of work. You should answer those questions and tell them how your conditions affect you.

    Have you asked for a home assessment? You'll need a letter from your GP for this, stating the reasons why you can't attend one of their assessment centres but they can still refuse the home assessment.

    After you've had your assessment a report will be sent back to DWP with recommendations in it. From this a decision maker will then decide to keep you in one of the groups or not.

    Good luck!
    Proud winner of the 2019 empowering others award. This award was given for supporting disabled people and their families for the benefit advice I have given to members here on the community.
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    who blame you , how old was you 28hopel can i ask x  people who do this sort of thing yes they think they can do what they want because they are stronger / older   got power and so on  then the  person / people but do you know what they are sick in the head they know no one is going to say any think why because no one would believe them that person whos got load of mates who think they know him , times have change , have you told your dr about every think whats happend in your life  xxxx
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    The counselor said it I was 6 and it went on for years it was my dad and brother the same happened to my sister they said they would hurt my beautiful mam but the pig would hit my mams head off the wall my mam was so afraid that’s why when I lost my mam I lost my whole world 😢 seeing my mam dying was my nightmare we were together 55 years thank you 
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    i am sorry to hear that ,how is your sister , is your brother still alive ,yes us mums keep our children safe the best we can  out of harms way dont matter how old they are ,and even when they move on and leve home you still worry about them , what did your mum die of my i ask x, did you brother hit you mum too , at the end of the day it is good to talk and get it all out so to speak ,xxxx 
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    My beautiful mam died of Sepsis no my sister is the same as me brother still alive 😡 
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    im so sorry to hear that xx have you got the support of your sister , has he got children xxxx
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    They are grown up now have nothing to do with them I told my mam I never wanted my son to see them unknown to me my mam took him the low life done the same to my son 💔💔 god not my son that’s when I told my beautiful mam I feel sick 🤢 
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    o dear that not good , have you or your sister thought about going to the your drs so they know about whats gone on , i know life is not easy at times . xxxx
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    My drs know 
    thank you 
  • topshoestopshoes Member Posts: 442 Pioneering
    thats good ,  have a good night sleep and always here for you xxxx
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    It was our beautiful mams 1st anniversary of her death on 4th August me and my sister isn't coping well talking to someone didn't help my mam said on my 1st anniversary will yours be together , so I asked my son and he said yes , the day before me and my sister got a beautiful photo done of my mam and got her some beautiful flowers.  The day cime and there was no text from my son until 5pm asking how we were .
    I didn't say anything until a few days later my son was out and my grandson said me daddy mammy nanna granddad grandma and 2 others went on a picnic.  I felt hurt my son couldn't spend 5 minutes with us but had time for his partner's family I said I really wanted to spend time with you more importantly nanna wanted us to he said nothing is it me feeling bad about this or is it ok ? 
    It's like it's just happened we just find it impossible to live without our mam .
    Sorry about this its just we have noone 
  • saz11saz11 Member Posts: 121 Pioneering
    @28hopel

    Hi i am quite new to the community and just come your post. Reading your post reminds me of myself. I also lost my beautiful mum and my whole world fell apart. 

    My family also got on with their lives were i couldn't and i felt jealous that my life stood still. Fast forward 3 years and i am happy to say i am coping and letting other family members cope in their own  way. 

    I know my mum would hate for me to continue struggling and isolating myself. Don't get me wrong it has taken a very long time but i believe she is up there making me stronger by the day. She loved life and wouldnt  want me to waste mine being unhappy. Keep smiling we were both very lucky to have had such beautiful ladies in our life .
  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Sending lots of love 💕
  • thespicemanthespiceman Member Posts: 6,408 Disability Gamechanger
    Hello @28hopel Thank you for contacting the community and sharing your post.

    Sorry to hear this I know grief is something that is not easy to deal with. A lot of sensitivity and a kind approach.  Being supportive.

    One of the important things about remembering the loss of some one is the memory keeping them in your hearts and minds.

    Words and talking so help.

    I would think about talking to cruse. This is a bereavement charity and very much good dealing with what you going through.

    You need compassion, reassurance and some one who understand this organisation does that.

    I used them myself when my former friends passed away from addiction.  Being lonely and struggling to cope.

    Used them.

    https://www.cruse.org.uk.

    Helpline 0808 808 1677.

    Hope that helps. They trained professionals.

    Another organisation is to speak to your local Church. Your do not have to be religious to be talking to someone like a Priest.

    Can be very comforting.  

    I am sorry what you are going through.  Also we are here as a community to listen and be supportive.

    Please if I can help with any thing further please ask. Your a member of our community.

    Please take care.

    @thespiceman


    Community Champion
    SCOPE Volunteer Award Engaging Communities 2019
    Mental Health advice, guidance and information to all members
    Nutrition, Diet, Wellbeing, Addiction.
    Recipes
  • saz11saz11 Member Posts: 121 Pioneering
    @28hopel

    How are you today ? 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    Hi @28hopel, I don't think we have 'met' yet, so a warm hello from me.

    I know an anniversary can be very difficult, so thank you for reaching out. You're allowed to feel however you want, and no one can say your feelings are invalid. It would have been a hard day to be alone for, so I can completely see why you would have wanted your son there. Have you ever had bereavement counselling? Here is a list of services which may be helpful.

    How are you feeling today?
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    Scope

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  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    Thank you I have tried that but it didn't help I just feel lost I cared for my beautiful mam 24/7 and I miss that so much. 
    My mam brought us up on her own as her husband hit her my mam done without to give to us and I always said when I get a job I will always look after you the drs wanted to give up on my mam a long time ago but I wouldn't allow them too my mam thanked me which I said there is no need you are my world 💕
    I just want my mam back 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm sorry that it didn't help and completely hear what you are saying. It can be so difficult and painful when we have lost someone so close to us, especially if you cared for her.

    You mam was very lucky to have you there to support her and I'm sure she really did appreciate this.

    What you are feeling is completely valid and understandable. Have you been able to open up to anyone about how you are feeling?
    Community Partner
    Scope

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  • 28hopel28hopel Member Posts: 16 Connected
    No everyone I spoke to said to move on 
    Thanks 
  • Chloe_ScopeChloe_Scope Scope Posts: 10,652 Disability Gamechanger
    I'm sorry to hear that @28hopel. It may be really helpful to use the Cruise helpline if you are having a bad day, they'll always listen. :)

    https://www.cruse.org.uk.

    Helpline 0808 808 1677.
    Community Partner
    Scope

    Tell us what you think?
    Complete our feedback form to help us to improve your community.
  • saz11saz11 Member Posts: 121 Pioneering
    @28hopel

    People not going through grief dont always see things in the same way as someone who is. It used to infuriate me when people said move on thats until i changed my thought process and realised for them it wasn't that they didn't care or want to be there it was they just weren't in my situation .

    No one understands the pain you feel having to live without your mum only you and no one has the right too tell you to move on. When the time is right you will learn to cope with life being different but you will never ever forget x 

    Anytime you need a chat i am here x 
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